“Mid-life crisis”

I’m not actually having a mid-life crisis, don’t worry! I just couldn’t really think of a better title. Plus I’m 35 now so surely that’s on the cusp of mid-life?

I was looking back the other day on my new year posts from the start of 2018 and it made me laugh a little to see in my health and fitness post that I’d been complaining about an infected finger nail and how the year could only get better for me health-wise. What a joke that was! It’s down to my declining health that I’ve come to the conclusions in this post and what I want out of life going forward. I’ve always been a relaxed person with little ambition beyond being able to live but we all end up with wants and needs that we don’t really want or need due to societal pressure. We’re fooled into thinking they’re something that is necessary when they really aren’t.

I grew up in a rural setting, my parents have retired to a very rural setting (13 other occupants in their hamlet) and I’ve had a tiny, wild area of Scotland planned for purchase since I was 12 and decided that’s where I’m going to retire with an estate filled with animals and no people. I’m happy to live a simple life looking after the animals, myself, my boyfriend (yeah I think I’d better allow Niall along) and just enjoying the outdoors. Of course that all takes money to allow me to do it though so I’ve been suckered into the whole “working for a living” deal… honestly, who thought that up?! *wink* As part of that though you inherit stress and worries even if you don’t realise it. I thought I was good at not bringing it home with me but since being signed off I’ve realised I was dragging more of it back than I realised.

It spills over into your home life too. We put so much pressure on ourselves to have the latest clothes, games, DVDs, cars or to make sure our homes are spotless in case anyone drops in for a visit. We even worry about our hair looking ok if the postman rings the doorbell, how ridiculous is that? Most posties barely even look you in the face, just hand over the parcel and scarper.

Getting Cushing’s has limited what I can or can’t do. I still want to get the flat clean or do some yoga but I can’t. Standing up for more than ten minutes at a time is now impossible for me so any housework gets done in the tiniest bitesize chunks imaginable. I have grand ideas for interior design but these mean a trip to the shops, something I struggle to do alone now. So I’ve come to the following conclusion.

Life is to be lived. Not a series of “I should get this done, I should do that, I should have this”. I’m categorising things and if I catch myself saying “should” then it is instantly ignored. “Should” to me is a self-imposed construct. Who says I “should” take the rubbish out? Why “should” I do a blog post today? To my mind the following is what I will be going by:

I “need” to do this – things that are actually going to be detrimental if not done. I “need” to do the washing up because it’s getting a bit smelly and there aren’t enough plates for my tea tonight.

I “should” do this – instantly wiped off the list if I catch myself saying or thinking this. It’s self imposed and not important. It may become a “need” at a later date but until then it can take a back seat. That’s not to say it won’t get done but it also won’t be something I put on my to do list or that niggles away in my brain constantly.

I “want” to do this – these things will bring joy or happiness to me in some way. They may be something like doing a drawing or playing a game or it may be that I’m in a tidying mood and actually want to clean the flat (yes I am weird like that sometimes).

I’m pretty sure it’s going to take a bit of getting used to; a tough habit to break. But this will overall make my quality of life better I hope and particularly whilst I’m so ill stop me feeling too bad because I can’t do everything that I “should” and just be grateful for what I can do.

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