I realised I haven’t posted at all this month, not even my usual fitness post. Whoops. It’s been a very strange month for me though (October, the month of Halloween, spooky and strange!) and very up and down so I think I must have just needed the break. Right now I’m debating if 33 years old is too early to be classed as having a mid-life crisis!
I took the above quote from my “Terry Pratchett Diary”. The diary has quotes from Pratchett’s works along with the odd page here and there with tributes to him from friends, family and colleagues. The above was from Ian Stewart and seemed very fitting to me. I am very torn in how I feel about people, as I am in most things. Let me try to explain. As a species I feel we are total jerks. We’ve done some incredibly horrible things along with some incredibly wonderful things. However as individuals I tend to get on with the majority of people I meet. There are very few who I outright dislike or hate and will give most people the benefit of the doubt even long past the point they’ve proven that they are in fact completely horrible people who don’t deserve me defending them. I can’t help it, I’m just a nice person who sees the good in everyone. And then there are those special few. The ones who change your life.
This sums me up pretty much perfectly (except I am shy). Whilst I ‘get on’ with most people there are only a handful that I will willingly spend time with and I love to spend my time with them. They usually end up with a special nickname; I have a particular “Mel Gibson clone”, my “Fellow Brown”, a “Bolton Buddy”, “Tomcat” and “Other Yorkshire Lass”. These people are the ones I feel incredibly safe around. I can talk to them about pretty much anything, be it stupid or serious and I would happily talk to them for hours. They are the ones I will go out of my way to actually see, rather than make plans then wish I could find some excuse last minute. It may come across as a bit strong sometimes for which I can only apologise to them for; I tend to binge on them like they were chocolate and I’m sure they must get fed up of me at times!
Sometimes the random chatter that we have suddenly opens up into a whole deep mess of thoughts however and that has happened to me this month. One friend has made me question things simply by taking charge of her own life and other random discussions have shown me that actually there are a lot of things I’m not necessarily unhappy with but could be happier about. Some are easy to fix, such as skills I want to acquire or finally getting my weight under control. They’re simply a matter of motivation and dedication. Others are a lot tougher as they could mean huge upheavals in my life and possibly other peoples lives as well.
One such example is being incredibly homesick. It’s always there under the surface, I hate being away from Yorkshire. Just being somewhere rural would make me happy but being stuck in the middle of a very urban town with a large city so close is just horrible for me. I dislike large crowds of people for an extended period of time and my ideal setting is moors, hills and forests. I need somewhere I can escape to and just be alone appreciating the peace and the wildlife. There are places round here that are greener but they’re always still so close to people and often used by dogwalkers so there isn’t that sense of complete isolation that I can get back up north.
I went on a 2.5 hour walk round the arboretum yesterday early in the morning and it was lovely but I was in a very weird place. I’m usually very easy going and don’t tend to experience extreme ups and downs with my mood but at one point I was ambushed by about 12 dogs which was complete heaven then 5 minutes later I was leaning against a tree with tears running down my cheeks. Why? I have no clue. This happened a couple of times on the walk and then I was mostly fine for the rest of the day. I wasn’t even like this when diagnosed with my blood clot; I had a day of rushing around getting the tests and literally being told “if you feel these symptoms call 999 because it can be fatal” and yet I didn’t cry until I got home and just stopped to take it in and even then the tears didn’t last 5 minutes.
The clot, a potential cancer scare and a couple of friends recently have helped me realise I’ve been escaping from thinking of these issues and that won’t do me any good. I need to face my fears and issues head on and work around them. My gaming is definitely all about escapism; why think about how things are satisfactory when I can just pretend I’m an archer and go shoot some dragons?!
Blogging can be an escape to an extent as well but I think it helps me somewhat. Sometimes something that sounds scary to say out loud can be written down and the simple act of seeing those words, re-reading them, thinking them through can help the thought process, suddenly bring something to light I hadn’t thought of before. There’s no pressure; I can write at my own pace, think things through, take my time. In a face-to-face conversation there’s that constant worry of responding in a timely fashion, of not offending the other person or saying something in the wrong way that your point doesn’t come across as intended. Of course you then miss out on what the other person thinks and other opinions or comments are also incredibly helpful.
I also think I sabotage myself by wanting things that seem unattainable so that I can’t see it as a failure when they don’t happen. It was never possible so it’s not my fault it failed right? I find excuses that are perfectly logical but at the end of the day are still just excuses. I’m very much a people pleaser as well (which is causing me major workload issues in my job right now) and so try to avoid hurting friends and family where I can but these just give me more reasons to not do something. It’s all very well being generous and making sacrifices for other people but sometimes I need those people to sacrifice in return and I need to realise that as much as they do.
But I need to sort this out. I need to get somewhere alone and have a good long think about what I want, what I need, how to get it and I need to be strong enough to make that happen. If I truly want something to happen there will be a way to do it and I need to just man up and get on with it. The toughest step is that first one, that recognition that it even needs taking and then just taking it. If it’s the right direction it will only become easier with time and if not it’s all a journey that will teach me something new.